Through the Eyes of College Student: Solidarity


NeW PhOnE WhO DiS?

     I am supposed to be studying for my organic chemistry exam tomorrow but here I am, once again, listening to music too loud through my headphones and getting distracted.

    Over the past couple of days, I been having this urge to journal for some odd reason. However, as the millennial I am, writing is not my favorite thing to do; I much prefer to type. (I like believe that   I'm so smart that my brain works too fast for my hands to write as fast as I think) I have heard that journaling or simply writing down your thoughts is VERY good for your mental health so here I am. I have been having a tougher time controlling my anxiety but I am used to it around this time of the semester every year in school as we are half way through. I wouldnt say it is seasonal depression however I do feel a bit low or have at least one "low" thought every night. Music is my escape but sometimes a sadder song comes on and I get all into my feels. Sometimes I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what emotion I am having. Tonight, I am feeling lonely which I havent singualrly identified in a long time. Dont get me wrong, I have made many friends here at college and a friend who I would consider my college bestfriend (I mean that in the nicest of ways, but my bestest best friend is at another school, you know what I mean) and we are together or at least see each other everyday. In fact, I live with her and all of our/my friends. But this night I was studying in my bedroom laying on the floor (like one does) and I just had this sudden feeling of being alone. idk. Literally I was practicing turning Fisher projections of D-Glucose into Haworth projections when I stopped and felt like I needed someone to be here with me. I am a pretty independent person, introverted, and have been single my entire life. (A WHOLE 20 YEARS! 2 DECADES GUYS!) I didnt want to hang out with this best friend, I wanted someone who was my best friend but was also more than that. I just want someone who I can share my life with and feel loved by. I am notorious (only to myself) for having a pretty low self-esteem and being self-deprecating. So ensued a mental squabble about wanted to be with someone but also knowing what it feels like to think you are the ugliest person in a room full of people.  Then it was like someone was reading my mind and Spotify played "There's No Way" by  Lauv ft. Julia Michaels and I got more sad. Thanks a lot. I'm going to fail this exam longing for a boyfriend that I presume will not happen until I'm about die jk jk (no, but seriously)
     The next song that happened to play was "Falls" by ODESZA ft. Sasha Sloan in which it has the lyrics:

Ever feel like it’s too much
Do you feel like you’re not enough
When you feel like its gonna take forever

Yeah I swear I know what its like
To feel alone at the end of the night
Maybe you don’t know it but it gets better

It’s gonna be alright

Now, I really freaked out that some with telepathy was nearby and controlling my Spotify! I immediately put this song on repeat and blast it until I regained some integrity and self-confidence. I presume that ignoring this feeling isn't the best option as it will reappear some other inconvenient time. But I think have come to a conclusion that maybe I was meant to be alone. And not alone in the definition of singularity,  but alone as in MY OWN bestfriend. For so long, I was looking for (and still am) a tangle, visable, human being I could share thoughts and feelings with but I think before I can share my messed up mind with another vulnerable person I need to understand and care for myself more. This sounds so overplayed and cliche about "self-care" but I need to learn to enjoy my own physical presence. I can't just expect another whole ass human to accept me if my own soul cant???? Idk how its been 20 years and I still havent figured any of this shit out.....but I guess everyone works at their own pace.

Wish me luck on my exam tomorrow at 8am,

Holly